It has been a long, hard year. And a lot has changed. Actually it all started 2 years ago. It was Halloween. My friend Lisa had come down from Gainesville with her family to go trick-or-treating with us. I was so excited to tell her, Justin & I were trying for another baby. She was so excited because she and Amory were trying also. We were going to be pregnant together again, we just knew it...
I felt really happy in my marriage & I was finally going to get to have another baby. What more could I want? I was so patient at first, knowing from before, that things can take time. I waited 6 long months before I even went to the doctor. Then I took the drugs for 6 months. By then, though, my happy life was already unraveling. But I couldn't stop it. I just started feeling angry. As time went on my anger turned to bitterness, my sadness became hopelessness. I felt only resentment and blame.
I can't say exactly what changed me, or changed in me. But through the pain, I have made a choice. If I don't stop 'seeing' with only hate, I will lose myself, my family, everything. I must exercise forgiveness. It is so hard to let the anger go. If I hadn't wanted to have another baby, or if we had easily gotten pregnant, we'd still be as happy as we were 2 years ago. How could beginning with such a righteous desire, lead me to this horrible place? My faith has become so small over the last 2 years. I WILL take each day as it comes. And I WILL let go of the things that might never be. This is my one life. I grew up knowing my mommy was sad. And I don't want that to be my kids' memory of me. For Better or for Worse, a Deal is a Deal. Please Lord, show me Better days.
1 comment:
Why did I not know you were writing on your blog again? So that's why I'm just now responding to this. I wish that I could make your sadness and frustration go away. We'll talk more later, but just wanted to tell you that I love you. You are a great friend, and I'm so lucky that all those years ago we got put together as VT companions.
Post a Comment