Every January rolls around, and I always feel a little depressed after the end of the big Christmas holiday season. It was much worse when I was a kid, and it sometimes started on Christmas Day, even. There was such a a build up, as a kid you spend days and weeks wondering what's in the pretty wrapped packages. I loved the suspense and surprise, and when it was all over in just a few minutes, I would get sad. Thankfully I have the church in my life now, and try to spend more energy following Christ's example of giving and serving. Plus I think just being an adult gives you perspective. Actaully I usually stress out about what to get everyone else, and feel so concerned about the extra money spent on all those presents, I feel guilty wanting anything for myself. Fortunately, I still get presents (haha).
Back to the new year. So another reason, I get sad in January is because my birthday is in March, which means I'll be another year older:( Past 30, just quit counting. And also the new year reminds me of all things I didn't do/failed at last year. But this time, I'm not as depressed and I'm trying a new perspective. I'm going to look at this January positively. I'll save sad for my 35th birthday (that's next year). I'm going to think of this year as a second chance to try again, on all those resolutions. I have no delsuions that I'll sustain any of them, but for the time I do succeed at them (be it a few weeks, or months) I'll be proud of myself for the effort. Who knows, this could be the year.
They always say you should make a list. Mine will be short this year in the hopes of accomplishing at least one.
1)Excercise
2)Lose 30 pounds
3)Have Family Home Evening twice a month
4)Finish the Book of Mormon
#1 is the hardest, and it prompted this post tonight. I went to a free class at the gym, owned by the hospital I work at. It's one hour, outside (which if it's 80 degrees in January, count me out come summer). It's aerobics and some core training. It about killed me. At one point I was on my back doing bicycle legs looking up at the sky crying. I hated every second, and I just wanted God to know and recognize that. I wanted some comfort. I tried to think of Jesus, and how he suffered for MY sins, but my selfish self doesn't want to give Him full credit. My mind wants to rationalize His suffering in so many ways. That His time in Gethesemene was short, as was His time on the cross. And maybe I could endure the pain of excercising, or the loss that swallows me because of my infertility, or the daily pain in my feet... if I too, had the direct connection to Heavenly Father that Jesus had. Isn't that awful? That I sound so ungrateful for my Saviour. I truly don't mean to be, but sometimes I feel so far from the Lord, so abandoned, in my trials, that I feel like even He does not understand. That somehow the Saviours trial were more bearable because He was God's favorite. But my heart knows it's me makes the connection seem distant. This bridge is there, but I must walk across.
#2 I hope will be a direct result of number one. I lost about 12 pounds last year, but had to give up most excercise after just a few months, because I realized I have plantar fascaitis. The walking/jogging made my feet hurt so bad, until I finaly went to a podiatrist. I hope to find some activity that won't aggravate the condition. Jogging, jumping, even too much walking creates more inflammtion. I guess while I'm making wishes I should hope this foot pain will get resolved. I am awaiting custom made orthotic insoles, and hope they will lead to signifigant improvememt.
#3 Is very difficult. EVERY SINGLE MONDAY NIGHT, something happens. Last night I told Justin I didn't want to go to the grocery store tonight after he got home from work, so we could have FHE. He agreed to the plan. Today my iPhone came in the mail, and after work, he went to look for me a case. I didn't want him to because I wanted to pick it out, and in my opinion, it could wait a few days. He's mad now, because I didn't want any of the ones he sent me pictures of, but I didn't want to spend $40 on a case I didn't really want. So it's 8pm now and he's just starting dinner. Cooking the wild hog he shot the other day. (yuck) So I'm not really in the mood for FHE, as I'm am completely in charge of executing it. Especially when he's mad, even though I tried apologizing. So I will set my expectations low. If I can pull off 2 FHE a month, all year, I'll be extremely happy.
#4 is the only goal I am sure to complete. I am currently in Alma Chapter 40. I read almost every day, and usually about 3 chapters. I should be done in February. It will be the first time I have read any scripture all the way through. I know we should be reading as a family. But when I tried in the past, it slowed down my personal progress. Which is why I got behind, in following the Sunday School weekly lesson. Otherwise I would have finished in December. I feel like I need to accomplish this goal for myself, as I am truly trying to ponder it for myself, before I bring it to the family. From the times we read as a family last year, I realized my kids know very little, which is sad, and require me to "translate" it a lot to them. Therefore just reading one chapter becomes so slow and time consuming, I get no joy in that time of reading. I will not be a scriptorian when I finish, but I look forward to listing it as an accomplishment. In previous attempts to complete the BOM, I have read 1st & 2nd Nephi about a dozen times. Each time my motivation would wane, or life would get too busy, etc. But THIS time I am going to finish. I didn't complete all in 2012, but I will complete it soon. And that gives me hope that maybe THIS year, I will complete one of my other resolutions. Wish me luck!!!
Oh, by the way, one last goal is to update this blog, once a week. That might be too much to soon, but hey, I can do Hard Things.
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