Acceptance

The morning after the 3D ultrasound (Saturday 11/23) I woke up still in a rather foul mood about the whole situation. Justin must've mentioned to his parents that I was feeling emotional because Dad asked if I was OK. I said, I think I will be. Finally about noon mom and went outside to begin sanding the cradle. It was quite a task. I was glad she brought her electric sander, because we definitely needed it. Under the multiple layers of thick white paint, was a layer of yellow paint. I'm surprised I didn't get sick from all the dust. We sanded for about 4 hours! Mom mentioned that she kind of liked the shabby chic, antiqued look. At first I still wanted to repaint it. But after using every last scrap of sand paper, and spending so many hours on just that phase, I was ready to clean up and be DONE. I said let's wipe if down, and put it together and see how it looks. So we did, and I decided I liked it that way too. Mom kept saying, that if I wanted to paint it, we still could, that it would go by pretty fast. I told her no, I was satisfied. Besides desparately wanting to take a shower, I really wanted to go off with Justin and have our special reveal. Mom never mentioned anything about me suspecting the gender, so I finally brought it up. I told her how upset I was the night before, and how caught off guard I was at my own feelings. She didn't let on what the gender was either way, but said that I probably should find out now, under my own terms. Which really only confirmed, it must be a boy. I was disappointed that no one seemed to take responsibilty for me finding out and going through this whole sad situation. Everyone seemed to say, "Well we didn't make you tell us." and "We didn't expect you'd really let us find out." As if all the months of pestering me about finding out, had been my imagination, and no one really wanted to know. In the end I know, no one forced my hand. I tried to do something kind for them, and it back-fired. And I just had to forgive them in the end. I really was surprised at how much I thought it was a girl. I knew I wanted a girl, but I guess I had actually begun to think it WAS a girl. I was ashamed of myself for not being excited that I had a healthy baby. I felt like Heavenly Father was so disappointed in me. For 6 years we've longed for a baby, and I always thought I really wouldn't care if it was a boy or a girl. And here He gave me this wonderful blessing, and I was crying about it. But as soon as people find out you're expecting, their opinions and predictions start to settle in the back of your mind. When people hear I have 2 boys, they assume I would want what I didn't have, a girl. Which is true, if I had girls, I would want a boy. You usually want whatever you don't have, in life. When I'd mention this pregnancy has been so different, people would say, oh that's because it's a girl. They'd say I'm only showing in the front, it must be a girl. All my friends at work pat my belly and say Hello, Piper! Then I dreamed of girl babies all time. I was worried if I found out during the pregnancy, I'd feel disappointed if it was a boy, but that if I waited until the birth, it would be love at first sight... no matter if it was a boy or a girl. Maybe that plan would have back-fired too. When Justin got home, I showed him the cradle after we put it together, and he just smiled. I think spending the day working hard to make it something I would love and want to put my baby in, helped to soften my heart. After a good, long, shower, I was ready to go but Justin reminded me we had to wait until the "Cover of Darkness" for our adventure. Luckily he must have anticpated the need for a Plan B once I decided I was going to let the gender be revealed. He took me to the same place he proposed, the Ocala Municipal Golf Course, late at night, just like he did all those years ago. As we made the long walk to same bench we sat at 16 years ago, he saw a shooting star. I haven't seen one in a long time. I told him that not long ago, I would've been wishing to be pregnant if I'd seen one. When we got to the bench I snuggled into him, and he sat quietly waiting, not rushing the moment for me. I started to cry as told him I wasn't as upset as I had been. That I used the time I spent sanding the cradle, to think about the reality that it was probably a boy. And that most importantly I didn't want him looking down from heaven, thinking I didn't want him. He lovingly told me, again, that it was okay to feel sad, that Heavenly Father understands. He said that he believed that after all the years, after all the things we've done to try to get pregnant, that he knows, this is the baby that was meant to come to our family, at this time in our lives. I agreed. I also told him that the thing that was helping me get through my disappointment the most, was that HE wasn't closing the door on us having more children. I told him, I know there is a chance we may not even be able to conceive again, or that we may decide this baby is enough. But not having the decision set it stone right now, made me so very happy. I told him I was ready for the envelope. I opened it, and it read, "Congratulations, It's a Boy! Love, Lucy". It was official we have 3 boys! There was no turning back then. You get what you get, and you don't pitch a fit, as Cody would say. Then I asked him to show me the sonogram picture of the boy parts. And there they were, no denying, he's a boy! And it seemed at that moment, HE became ours, a part of our forever family. I told Justin that, now that I felt a connection to him, that I know him, I want him... but I still want a girl too! He just laughed. We began to wonder about his hair color and personality, what we would name him. Even though, I didn't plan to find out, I am thankful that Justin made this special for me. I will always cherish that moment with him, in a place that was special for us. Looking back I wish we had done something special, like that for the other two. When we got home that night, it was late and the kids were in bed. The next morning I tried to sound casual as I talked about their baby brother to them. Cameron thought I was tricking him, and didn't want to be blamed for spilling the beans. So he just acted non-chalant about it. Cody seemed rather furious that I'd found out. I said, "Don't I have a right to know, since all of you do?" He said, "Yes, but you're the one that made such a big deal about not finding out." I agreed, but things had changed....